You talking about hell, refusing to look at me
by Brenny
Summary: Sam writes Dean a letter in response to his confessions. Spoilers for episode 4X10 and 4X11
1. Hey Dean

Hey Dean,

Finding this letter you'll probably wonder what's wrong with me, but I can assure you, nothing's wrong with, me well nothing new at least... I think I just figured some things out, and this is the best way to express what's going through my mind without confussing you or me too much.

I came to the understanding that you weren't in hell for 40 years. You were down there for 10 years. It took me some time, but I think I finally understand the idea behind it, the part that makes hell what it is, an evil, lonely, godforsaken place, dominated by betrayal, despair, pain and fear.

That maybe the way most people think about "hell", but I guess for you it was different. I know you hurt too. I know you had fears, although I can only read that in your face while talking bout it,cause I know as much as you do, that admitting it out loud, is something you can't do yet.

And maybe you even felt betrayed.

Betrayed by God, for putting our family through so much pain, although our mom seemed to have so much faith in him and you had faith in her, thought that she can't be wrong, cause... well..simply because she's your mom, because back in the day you knew without a doubt that moms don't lie, right?!

Of course you soon realized that there can't be a god, at least not "the god" our mum always talked about, he simply wouldn't have let happen what happened to her.

Betrayed by dad for especting so much from you.

Taking care of me was always your job, most parents tell their children to look out for each other, but I guess.. again, it was different for you. It wasn't about looking out for school bullys or making sure I didn't try to learn to fly by jumping off a tree with a red cape around my neck, everyone can do these things, I'm not saying you didn't do all that stuff, cause you did, but you did more you made sure I was happy and felt safe, felt heard and taken care of; you can pay a babysitter all you want but if she/he doesn't put their heart into it, you'll fail.

You didn't get paid from dad and I know for sure that praise wasn't often vocalized either.

You did it anyway, put all your heart, time and energy into it, but not just into taking care of me at some point you extended your job. It wasn't just about Sammy anymore, it was about family....OUR family, about keeping what's left behind together, keeping Sammy, Dad and Dean together.

And I can tell you, you did a pretty good job, still do. I don't think you'll agree, I guess that you took my leaving as some kind of personal failure. You weren't able to keep us together.

You didn't pay attention for one moment and WHAMM your whole world fell apart right in front of you with just one slamming door.

Well I guess that's why you may felt betrayed by me too.

I was the one leaving, not looking back, not returning the calls. I think you felt betrayed, cause it seemed like me and Dad destroyed everthing you worked so hard and desperately for, we took the one thing from you that mom left behind, a family... your family, with the permanent moving it also meant home.

Only this time there was no fire, except the fire in their eyes, it was more like a big earthquake that split your home in two and those two parts started to move into different directions.

And that's where you stood, in the middle, alone, shelterless and paralyzed.

Unable to realise what just happened and unable to fix it.

So I think the first 30 years in hell were your life in a nutshell just much more intense and then stretched to fill 30 years.

'Cause you are familiar with pain, you had broken bones, were scliced before. Torn between the two people that mean the world to you, for whose lifes you would go to hell again on the spot if it meant keeping them safe. So yeah the first 30 years were nothing new to you, but the difference was that there was no hope.

No hope for all that to stop at some point, up here you had always this little spark of hope that it might get better at some point.

But hell wasn't known for these kind of wonders, there was no escaping and I guess after 30 years you finally realized that.

You were tired of the constant fighting, everyone and everything was always just taking from you, never giving something back in just wanted it to stop...let someone else get torn between the people you love, you couldn't be with them anyway, you couldn't protect Sammy anymore, you made the ultimate sacrifice, deep down you thought that I could keep going without you, maybe you even thought that I could do better without you around.

For whatever reason you gave up, the moment you got off that rack, that's when you experienced what hell is like.

It was never you, you never left or hurt the people you loved. You couldn't do it, you knew how it felt like to be at that end.

But down there, that's what you had to do, sure it wasn't your loved ones, but that didn't make the guilt go away or lessen it. You tortured them and you felt guilty, because for crying out loud, for once, it felt good not to be the one who always gets hurt.

I don't know if you realized it but I got the feeling that you're pushing me away again, not by refusing to talk but by actually talking. I don't know if I can explain it, but it feels like you try to protect me from yourself. Like if I finally found out the truth, I would turn my back on you and you wouldn't have to fear that hell altered you more than you thought it already did. Maybe you fear that you could do it again up here..hurting others and you don't wanna hurt me.

So you try to push me away maybe try to make me leave again, cause like I said you couldn't ever be the one leaving, you're the one who stays behind.

But it's just a feeling, one I get when you talk about hell, refusing to look at me.


	2. Hey Sammy

Hey Sammy,

I'm writing this knowing that you'll never read it, don't know what I'll do with it, maybe burn or hide it for some later time, we'll see.

But I'm not ready to share it with you yet, I hope you'll understand, sometimes certain things are better left alone and unsaid.

I do fell guilty for the things I did down there, but it's more than that. I'm looking for redemption and justice more than anything, what I did wasn't right and it doesn't matter that it took those bastards 30 years to make me do it. In the end, it was me who did the hurting and even worse... I enjoyed it, not enjoying actually doing it, but torturing those souls reduced my own pain.

I need to be judged. We kill things that hurt people, we're the judge of monsters like that. But who's gonna judge me? I can't walk to the police and tell them what I did, I can't go the the families either. For one I don't know the souls names and second, I can't stand the thought of hurting the family members any more by letting them know what their loved ones had, well still have, to go through. They probably won't believe me anyway, but I know it will nag at them, this tiny little voice that will speak up every now and then at random times "What if he's telling the truth?"

I experienced it myself...with Dad, but at that time, I knew where he went i knew it was true,I know that he didn't see the white light, all he saw was darkness, at least I think he saw darkness, cause that's what I saw. Some people say hell is different for everyone and I think they're right, so I can't tell you what Dad's hell was like.

But I can tell you one thing for sure, this feeling you get every morning that you wake up, right after you realize that he isn't there anymore, isn't across the room in the other bed or at least somewhere under the same sun as you are, this feeling just pulls you down and you can do nothing about it, you know he is suffering right _NOW_, every second of the day and night…All because of you.

You see that's why I can't talk to them can't even try to find out these souls names.

Maybe God will judge me, or did he already? Was my time down there my punishment? Maybe he knew what I could do and send me down that road. That would make this all his fault for sending me to hell and letting me torture poor souls.

But no, wasn't his fault, it was mine, no doubt about that, I think I could spin this "God knows everything" some more times and maybe it would finally make sense at some point, saying that it all is indeed his fault.

It's not what I want, it's not what it feels like either.

My sense of justice was always pretty distinct, there were still some things that hovered in the shades of grey, but tell me where are the shades grey when you're torturer?

When it's all about making yourself feel better, what justifies the thought that just because you can't stand this pain any longer, someone else has to take your place? Sure if you don't torture them someone else will, but that's not the point, I always tried to be the one "taking the place" standing in front of you or Dad or any other person who needed help. That's what marks out a good person in my book, that's what Dad taught us, stand up for the people who can't do it for themselves.

And well I didn't.. not down there, suddenly it was all about me, my needs, my pain.

I need everything to get back in line again and that means I need to be judged.

And that pretty much leaves you Sammy, Castiel/God won't do anything till it's all over, I'm sure of that, right now they need me.

But I need it now, I can't live like this any longer. So you're the judge Sammy, I gave you all the facts. I'm not pushing you away, I'm pushing you for a punishment.

I know it won't be physical, that's just not you, it has to be something different, something that hurts more and lasts longer, cause let's face it, if you get caught torturing humans, you will get the death penalty in some states. So there has to be more than just a slap in the face or a punch to the gut.

I need that punishment you might not even aware of giving. It's the way you look at me, you can hide emotion on your face but not in your eyes.

First time I got that look, was from Dad after that Shtriga thing, I can't tell you what that one look all contained: horror, fear, anger, betray were some of them but mostly disappointment. It still hurts me the most, realising that you disappoint someone who used to have faith in you, who thought that he could trust you. I'm sure I got that look again around the time you left, this time from the both of you, but I can't tell for sure cause I couldn't make eye contact with either of you. I was afraid I would see that look again. The one saying that I messed up again. I wasn't good enough, wasn't able to keep us together not able to fix it.

Betrayal, cause I wouldn't take any sides.

I fear that look down to the present day and even more I fear getting it from you, that youwon't be able to look at me any other way.

But I guess it's a light sentence, considering what I did. Doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to it. I just got you back and you're still my reason for living, you're all that's left, you deserve everything you ever dreamt of and I guess I'm still trying to give it to you.

Although lately I can't help but consider every now and then, that maybe I'm part of the problem, that I'm dragging you down, holding you back. I never wanted that, you know that right?

But well there's this saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

I can't go there again and I certainly won't let you join me.

So I need to learn to let you go. Next time I talk about Hell, I might be able to finally face my punishment and my last sacrifice, by looking you in the eyes.

* * *

The second chapter wasn't planned, but **K. H. Kurosaki** asked for one and i still had some ideas left. I hope you liked the story, thanks for reading and i don't mind if you leave a review on your way out ;)

Big Thanks to **Stacey** for supporting me, Beta-reading this story and being such a great friend! All mistakes left, belong entirely to me.


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